Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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