I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
