soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
