So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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