someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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