I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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