Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to stop coming to work sober
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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