she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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