apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
