Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize