Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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