How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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