I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
