Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
