I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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