apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
