Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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