Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Is it because I queefed?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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