just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
