What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
