WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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