Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
