I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We left an ass print on the piano.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
