if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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