Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
