Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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