I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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