The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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