he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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