In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
