Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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