My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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