when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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