I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
