just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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