saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
