you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
