It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
