She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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