I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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