Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
