ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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