Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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