Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
