i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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