He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize