Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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