Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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