She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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