Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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