I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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