How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
