You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
