he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
