the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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