Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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