I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
