my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
