Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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