i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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