come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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