I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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