Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
