New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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