I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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