Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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