When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
In America we eat man semen.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
