If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
